This is no paint by numbers thriller

I ordered a server from Dell a few weeks ago. It was accidentally shipped to my coworker Tina in Bremerton. I’ve been pestering for her to deliver it to me ever since.

[tinag@talk] That’s it. You get off my back if you ever want to see your server.

[ralphh@talk] What? Where is it? Is it okay? What have you done?

[tinag@talk] First, to prove that I still have it, here’s a picture of … it.

I actually gasped when I opened the picture of my server, bound and blindfolded.

[tinag@talk] Second, tomorrow you will receive, in the mail, the power button. The day after, a CD drive. On the third day, you’ll receive the power cable. And so on. To be perfectly clear: if you ever want to see your server in one piece, you will leave me alone starting right now.

[ralphh@talk] Listen, Tina, we can reason. I know you’re hurting inside, deep down. That’s the only thing that could cause this. But we can work through it. As a team! We can find …. we can find you some help, some professional help.

[tinag@talk] Bye for now.

[system@talk] User tinag has closed the conversation window.

Uncomfortable

This is hard for me to admit.

When I’m at work, I’m a buoyant fount of comedy and helpfulness. I’m significantly less so at home.

I now generally have a tendency towards low self esteem. I default to Deny, Failure, and Loss. But as far as my fatherhood, I take it seriously. I put time and thought into my actions. I put a lot of work into it. To confess less than peachy at home is hard.

There was this conference I was going to go to. The Mankind Project. More of a ‘finding yourself’ retreat, but I imagine it as something with mannish versions of The Trust Game. One of the testimonies in the brochure I had read something like this:

“I was in wonderful relationships with my family, but I wasn’t expressing who I was. I had lost the exuberance of my youth, and this weekend I found that and am now sharing who I am with my family. It’s been life changing.”

I found some truth in that, in relation to the work/family dynamic. I mean, what is it about my Dadness that can’t be as lighthearted? A visitor wouldn’t see it. They’d see that I get down on my hands and knees and play – often, too much even. I get grass stains on my work slacks because of it. They’d see I let my kids climb all over me, and I make jokes often with my wife.

But it’s not the same, it’s not really me. It’s just a part of me.

The old me, before kids, was a bit flamboyant. I took better personal care of my self and how I dressed. I was a wise-ass, all the time. I was very upbeat and lighthearted. I really enjoyed being around myself.

I can’t tell where the darkness creeped in. I somehow became someone different at home. Please don’t misunderstand me – I don’t prowl the halls at midnight like a savage beast with blood dripping off my fangs. I get home and immediately pick up my kids in my arms, and go play. We set the table, we all have dinner together. I usually get to bathe both of them and put them to sleep. I Am Not A Dad Who Comes Home And Sits In A Recliner To Unwind. I strongly reject that concept.

What I’m trying to say, and what I fear will be misconstrued, is this:

I don’t understand why I act differently at home and feel less like myself. I don’t know where the real me goes, and I’m uncomfortable scared about that.

Having admitted this to myself, for the first time, I wonder what tonight will be like.

Haggling

I’m trying to sell our ‘88 Honda Civic hatchback with 219,000 miles to the guy that works at the video store.

Me: “I want to return these two movies.”
Him: “Okay.”
Me: “Also, I found my keys finally so I can turn that car on now.”
Him: “Oh, did you bring it or something?”
Me: “Yeah.”

Him: “Here? Now?”

Me: “Yeah, you wanna go look?”

(He sprints out of the store, out to the parking lot. I have just enough time to turn it on and have the CD player kick in before he goes back inside the store. When I finally catch up with him …)

Me: “So what do you think?”
Him: “How much you asking for it?”
Me: “$200.”
Him: “I’ll give you $185.”

Me: “Okay.”

Him: “Um …. ”
Me: “What was that, haggling?”
Him: “I thought that’s what we were supposed to do … ”
Me: “Yeah, I guess. I’ve never really done that before … ”
Him: “Me neither. Oh well.”

Yes I Was Trying To Drive Her Nuts

[1:44:12 PM] Hoss Hogaboom says: How’re you on router configuration these balmy days?
[1:44:53 PM] Hoss Hogaboom says: Balmy days of yore, if you will.
[1:45:10 PM] Doc Golbeck says: What type of router config?
[1:45:41 PM] Hoss Hogaboom says: Either using the VLAN stuff in the powerconnect, or using a spare IP to give our conference room segregated internet access.
[1:45:58 PM] Hoss Hogaboom says: It’s becoming trendy for people around here to ask for that.
[1:46:19 PM] Doc Golbeck says: It was my understanding that Jim did not want the segregated internet access in the conference room…
[1:46:27 PM] Hoss Hogaboom says: Ah, that is not the case.
[1:46:33 PM] Doc Golbeck says:
[1:46:51 PM] Doc Golbeck says: Yeah because he doesn’t want people to have to VPN in to get access to our network..
[1:46:59 PM] Hoss Hogaboom says: The big thing is to have a segregated network for WIFI right now.
[1:47:02 PM] Hoss Hogaboom says: Yeah, maybe you’re right.
[1:47:29 PM] Hoss Hogaboom says: But he is ok with both APs being used, WPA on the lan and WEP on the segregated vlan.
[1:47:38 PM] Doc Golbeck says: |-) Hoss, We just discussed that at our last big meeting and he said he didn’t want that.
[1:47:56 PM] Hoss Hogaboom says: Holl, I have had several high-level and high-function meetings with him.
[1:47:56 PM] Doc Golbeck says: You trying to drive me nuts?
[1:48:00 PM] Hoss Hogaboom says: No, I’m not.
[1:48:06 PM] Hoss Hogaboom says: You’re clearly already mad.
[1:48:18 PM] Hoss Hogaboom says: Why, I read in your employee file that you clawed your way out of an asylum.
[1:49:19 PM] Doc Golbeck says: very funny. I’m not mad but we’ve been through this before and that is what I recommended but Jim didn’t like the idea and felt that with the new wireless security it was an overkill…
[1:49:24 PM] Hoss Hogaboom says: So, this sailor walks into a bar. He has a steering wheel in the front of his pants.
The bartender says “Why’s that down your pants?”
The sailer says “Arrgggh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
[1:49:33 PM] Doc Golbeck says: Dios Mio!
[1:49:54 PM] Doc Golbeck says: ring ring